Football Awards – 2015
Joe Paterno Memorial Coach of the year – Given to a team who’s coach who led a great squad that he may or may not have covered up crimes for.
Chris Bruner, TBD
Carly Rae Jepson Fresh Face Award – Given to a new team in the league who exhibits our founding values: fun, community, competition. They may not take home the title but they’re a team we’d love to share a beer and a game of catch with. Welcome to Beehive!
The Donald Trump Makes America “Great” Award – Given to a team who never fails to make an entrance and/or scene when they’re out on the field. In other words the life of the party award
Any Given Sunday
The Justin Timberlake Smooth Operator Award – Given the team who most resembles our favorite Boy Band hold over. In this case she is smooth, courteous, and just flirty enough to leave you wondering if you’d ever have a chance to “tap that ass.”
The Mothership Award – Like ESPN you’re sitting on top the of the beehive kickball world sipping Dom Perignon and sucking jello shots off strippers asses. And like ESPN you have a target on your back. From the league to you, watch out next week!
Four Minute 40s
The Busch Ice Award for Hard Assedness – Given to the team this season that is a more rough and tumble than tumble dry. Led by terrifying nice guy, Mike Devoe these guys and gals are sweethearts off the field and utterly heart breaking SOBs on it – we wouldn’t have it any other way…
The Barry White Sexual Chocolate Award – His words cut through us like butter. His lips look like two cashmere tootsie rolls. When we see him we’re instantly in need of a change of clothes. He is the sexy side of beehive.
Blitzes and Gravy
The Barack Obama Award – This group doesn’t Need to Yell for people to listen. They don’t need to lift to be feared. They don’t need to ask to be offered another beer and They’d never be caught adding emoticons to a texts. We salute you sir.
Beauties and Beasts
The Mary Lou Hoo Big Heart Award – The show up every week smiling. They are a blast to hang out with. They don’t bitch at the referees and losing most of their games doesn’t indict how cool other teams around the league think they are. Well played, Mary(s)…
Usually Lose, Always Booze
The Brett Farve Dick Pic of Greatness Award – Are they the biggest meanest kid on the block? No. Have they committed some Internet crimes varying in degree of sexual nature? Perhaps. In spite of it all are the leading their division and primed to take home a flag football belt (for the first time?)? Yes. Will we bump them up to play/fight Here4Beer next season? Only time will tell..
Swift Kick In the Grass
The Bob Sagat Award – Given to the team who appears to be a bunch of kind, upstanding members of society. Don’t be fooled, these people should not be trusted. They’re more dangerous than Aaron Hernandez with a grudge.
Running with Scissors
The Dos Equis Most Mysterious Team of Beehive Award – He taught RGIII how to run….and throw. And eagle once picked up his third shot on a par 5 and dropped it in the hole. In second grade he code the TI-89 calculator game Drug Wars. The trustee for his estate is a miniature horse. Aliens invaders asked him, to probe them. He is the most interesting man in Beehive Nation.
The Indie Electronica Rock Award – So hot right now, we like to pay tribute to the person who embodies a musical genre that is beautiful, mean, soft and agro all at the same time. It’s a mix that desereves an award and it’s human embodiment this season is….
Pull Me For A GREAT Time
The Steph Curry MVP Award – You’re in your 20s, you can shoot, dunk, passs, dribble from anywhere to anywhere against anyone anytime. You have a sweet nickname and the adoration of millions. You’ll probably cure cancer and win a title this. We love you…
Coxs N’ Clams
The Redksins Team Name Award – Given to the team whose name offends entire nation of peoples yet they stick to it stubbornly like the chicken pox virus to a handful of gifted blankets.
Team Elder Lee Balls
The LL Cool J Award – They struggled with a smile on their faces all summer and with the words of encouragement from their role model and captain swimming in their hearts they got their first win this season! They may never be the biggest name in the rap game and that’s perfectly fine with them. Look at that bod after all…damn.
The Desktop PC Award – We don’t know when the word desktop became associated with boring. Sure, you can’t take them with you on a plane, they don’t weigh less than 10 pounds, and you’d never see one named “Air.” But they have their own frills: 2 CD-RW slots, an audible humming noise and Windows 98 are nothing to cough at. They don’t make a lot of noise (except for that damn humming noise) but they’re built like a 2003 Nokia cellphone, solid. They may not challenge for a title this season – but come spring…watch the fuck out, Bill Gates.
The Lloyd Blankfein Seal of Approval Award – Synergy? Check. Cross-functional leadership? Check. Operational efficiencies? Check, check, check. Whether they’re strutting their stuff in the halls of 222 S Main St. or gliding across the grass at Sunnyside, Team TIGR lets you know they mean business. They’ll make earning fractions of pennies acquired through billions of market commission’s look easy in the office and losing graceful on the field. Lloyd wouldn’t have it any other way.
The De’Vontae Booker Award for Toughness – When Lacy went down with a broken arm did she cry? Hell nah. Did the team fold when it turned out Josh Whitaker was a daywalker? Get real. When ____ was asked to play Maroon 5 at his latest show, did he? Fuck that. Considering it all it’s no surprise that from the ashes of beer cans blunts and textbooks the Postgrad Polygamists rose again to contend for a Beehive flag football division title.
The Captn’ Dan UnderManned and UnderLegged Award – We aren’t sure where the team name “Sympathetic Chain Gang” came from and we’re not sure we want to know. What we are sure of is this team very rarely showed up to play with 8 people. It never seems to faze them though – they took every opponent on with a drunken Vietnam vet suffering from PTSDesque mentality. Capn’ Dan salutes you from wherever he swam off to in Forest Gump.
Sympathetic Chain Gang
The 2008 Detroit Lions Award – Another season started out with such promise. 16 clean slates to fill up with great plays, and not so great ones. While those great and not so great plays didn’t translate into many wins they never gave up, they never said die. And in an adult social league – what more can you really ask for? After all it’s better to go winless in Beehive than in the NFL where football is your job.
The Kardashian Sisters Wish They Were As Cool As The Harrison Sisters Award – The Kardashians may have a transgendered parent. They may have a reality tv show about their lives. They may even read at a 9th grade level….but…do they have an infectious smile and friendly demeanor? Do they have a rock star flag football teams? Can they walk the streets without being harassed by the paparazzi? We really fucking doubt it.
The Paul Mitchell Award for Best League Hair – Every season as we referee games and meet new players there’s always a team that stands out. Not for their arms or their legs, or for their strategic approach to the game…but for their hair. Under the leadership of accomplished stylist, Stefanie Tyler, the hair and hair pieces of Bilbo Flaggins have been looking nothing less than fly. Well done!
The Meinke Squeaky Wheel Award – Every season there’s a team that isn’t on top of the standings…but very well could be. While Captain Tyler Culberson’s TDs are operating just under the radar they are sneaky efficient with a +/- of +100 throughout the regular season. Oiled up and ready to go for a deep playoff run? Our bet is, yep.
Love Big TDs
The Tom Brady is Not A Crook Award – Did he let a little air out? Probably. Does anyone but Roger Goodell and the Seahawks care? Not really. In much the same way…could Team Sneddon compete on Here4Beer or 4 Minute 40s? Probably. Do anyone of them hang their only hat on W’s and stats? Not really. Are both Tom Brady and Pull Me for A Good Time that much cooler for it? Definitely.
Pull Me For A Good Time
The Garfield the Cat Award – Garfield is an overweight cat that likes lasagna and laying around, right? Wrong. Garfield is a sneaky clever feline who’s next move/play could be a game changer. These fur ball guys and gals have had an up and down season. We won’t be surprised if it ends on an up note.
The Lamar Odom Award for Reckless Abandon – With some great wins against Sunday Funday and Hustlemania, Ryland and crew have what it takes to put together an impressive playoff run. The only thing that seems to be standing in the way are those pesky pests, Bilbo Flaggins. Will Touchdown There need to go on a meth and Viagra fueled “bang everything that moves at a ranch outside Vegas” tear to beat them in the playoffs? We think yes.
The Corporate Stand Out turned Dead Head – You know that guy who fresh out of college has the world in his palm. He’s climbing the corporate ladder, he’s making all the right lifestyle decisions and then next thing you know he’s a dead head who’s turned in his suit for a bathing suit and his briefcase for a surfboard. And what’s more, everyone kinda of respects him even more than they originally did? Like he figured out the key to life isn’t success but fun? Hustlemania I and Hustlemania II kinda remind us of him. Keep up the good work!
The Quin Snyder Award for Coaching Potential – With Tom Nance leaving the mountains of Salt Lake for the PAC fueled prostitution rings of Washington DC Beehive lost a great team captain. We weren’t sure Tap that Pass would survive…Until that is young Emily Nance, Old Tom’s sister, stepped in and rallied the squad to a 3-0 start! When Jerry Sloan left Utah there was some mighty big shoes to fill…and right now Quin Snyder aka Emily Nance is filling them quite nicely.
Tap That Pass
The Snoop Lion Gangsta Award – We can’t quite put our foot on it but this team just oozes cool. From their team name that rolls off the tongue, to Mr. _____’s extended and elaborate pregame warmups to to the sex swagger that Captain David Bohnet reeks of after games. They may win it all, but if they don’t, we’ll still think they are cool.
Bone Thugs and Hennessey