Hey everybody! Jimbo here, and to help get a fresh look on each team and diversify the opinion, I’ve brought in Dave Marquardt to discuss each team in the league. Just like every show on ESPN now, we sat across a table and yelled at each other for a few hours. Did we accomplish anything? Probly not, but here are the results, hope you enjoy them!
1. Highly Questionable
Jimbo: I’m up first on this one Dave, I don’t think they are as good as they were last year. Sure they’ve had an injury but it just seems to me they are lacking the magic, regardless of a rivalry win over FBGM. My guess is they’ll be more disappointed than a woman when Shaq drops trou.
Dave: Highly questionable is the real deal. Look at their record and +/- differential. They’re like peak Zach Morris, as long as they stay true to their hit (on) everything that moves form they’ll be sleeping with the belt at the end of the season.
2. Region of Doom
Dave: To be honest with you, Jimbo, I liked this team more when they were called the Ron Mexico’s. It reflected their grimy yet lovable nature a bit more succinctly. That said if Johnny’s lats get any bigger their going to have to consolidate second base and shortstop into one position. That might leave them vulnerable in the middle for teams that can knock it straight ahead.
Jimbo: Blah Blah Blah, yeah they’re great. I’m just concerned that there is a looming steroid scandal a la Robert Mathis. Somebody on this team better get someone knocked up quick so they have a fertility excuse.
3. Bunt Cakes
Dave: I’m making an early season blockbuster prediction here…Bunt Cakes will win it all this season. #BOOMGOESTHEDYNAMITE. Emmett is Beehive’s Phil Jackson. He pisses excellence. Their organized dodgeball mayhem has translated perfectly to the kickball pitch. Watch out, everyone else.
Jimbo: I can’t argue with you that they have a championship pedigree, but this ain’t dodgeball. You in kickball now boi. I do think they’ve got skills, but a championship right off the bat? You’re dreaming.
Jimbo: If it were solely up to me, this team would be in first right now. They are perennial contenders for the belt, and have more veteran swag then a Tony Parker/George Clooney hybrid child. This one is my sleeper pick to win it all.
Dave: They get brownie points from me too. They’re fun and have a perfect beehive mix of casual John Daley boozie flair with a Stockton-esque will to compete for the Dubya. I think their collective BAC level might trend upward as the season progresses making it hard for them to care who wins in late inning situations.
Jimbo: Full disclosure, I have never seen this team play, they must be on NBAtv or something. But they mop up on all the scrub teams so I’m guessing they have the hard work and dedication of a high school janitor.
Dave: The reason you don’t know them is they came from WAKA, our Wal-Mart aspiring Brutha from another less fun Mutha. Needless to say they have a few season of kickball know how under their belt making them a dangerous out. Whatever happens we’re happy to have them in Beehive Nation, cheers fellas!
6. Hold My Beer, Watch This!
Dave: This team is an emerging Ron Jeremy. They took their lumps in early poor production quality films. Then got their big break with some confidence boosting sexcapades and are now poised to control their own destiny come playoff time. They’ve done 69 and reverse cow girl, now their looking for a key party, ATM and some blood play.
Jimbo: I tend to agree, they are definitely in danger of losing their loveable underdog status and stepping up to the big dance like Villanova and VCU before them. I predict a 6-2 finish, a near top of the table and an entry into elite echelon. Prove me right!
7. Bunt Kickers
Jimbo: Speaking of top echelon Dave, we cannot ignore Bunt Kickers. I’ve been talking about this team for a while and they are putting on a show bigger than Nick Foles in the Eagles Locker room. I’m not gunna call them contenders just yet, but I think they will get there come season’s end.
Dave: Jim, I hate to do it, but I agree. They’re the Jazz 2 years from now. The offense has been bolstered with some new talent. Rex is coaching from the point like a well oiled veteran and they even have a badass mascot in that wolf/beer mixture of a dog that’s been lumbering around 17th south river park.
8. Booze on First
Dave: Jacob White, yet again, has these licensed pill poppers in prime position to move up into contender status. They may have finally found the right combination of oxycontin, ketamine and estrogen infused female urine to propel them into a Pauly Shore blackout stupor of manufactured runs and 3 and outs.
Jimbo: I may agree with your description, but that reeks of inconsistency like Pacers playoff run. Sure they can be good, but those losses are harder to ignore than a crusty mole on a Hallie Berry’s ass. I’m just not buying in.
Jimbo: I see FBGM as the Celtics those last couple Pierce/Garnett years. Sure they can still get it done, but Ray Allen has fled to greener pastures and it’s just a long, slow decline into mediocrity. I love this team and hope they can prove me wrong, but there are just too many Miami Heat level teams out there now.
Dave: Our loveable ladies are the class of the beehive ball. Their team is solidly built behind the leadership of the Judd’s but needs to find a spark to carry them into the playoffs against some of the tougher teams. Regardless of how they finish we couldn’t be happier that a Federal judge has ruled this week that Gayle Rosika and her equality Nazi’s won’t keep us from getting shmammered on G&T’s at their Utah wedding ceremonies!
10. Balls Deep
Dave: Balls Deep, is well, doing their best to get Balls Deep into this season. Like a good DiCaprio you’re quickly put in a trance only to wake up dazed and confused yet decidedly satisfied after their done with you. Now, just in case Jimbo forgot, HOW DEEP?????
Jimbo: Balls Deep! A DiCaprio reference huh? Well I guess that would make Beehive the super model of the Social Sporting world and I’ll take that all day. I saw them more as a Derek Jeter type. They’ll wine and dine you and treat you right, then send you home with a gift basket and a warm tingling feeling in your loins that you won’t soon forget.
11. Sons of Pitches
Jimbo: Dude, what does mine say?
Dave: Sweeeeeet, what does mine say?!? Well, it says this team is feisty and has been rallying around Sean Colvin’s sweeeet beard for two fortnights. They have that tie under their belt which will keep them above a lot of the other 2 loss teams like Charles Barkley’s celebrity status keeps him getting invited to publicly play golf.
Jimbo: Dude, brah, I thought these guys were better than this. I started them out near the top of the rankings, but they’ve been trippin’ like they ran off to burning man with a manic pixie dreamgirl. I’m gunna have to see a Hibbert level rebound on this one.
12. Where my pitches at?
Dave: I flip a coin on this one. They could figure out a stable strategy and go onto look like 100 Grand heading into the semifinals. They could also flounder and end the season on a sour patch kids note. Either way they are sweet like a Durantantula dagger three. I like their chances…
Jimbo: Well, they’re firmly in the middle of the pack with wins over two lesser teams and losses to two of the best. I’m going with a deep cut on this one, “The present reeks of mediocrity and the atom bomb” –Rene Magritte. I knew I’d find a way to use my almost completed art history degree.
13. Drunk Again and Looking to Score
Dave: Last years allcoballics are reborn under a new name. But they’ve retained their plucky get er’ done approach to winning games. We can’t say we applaud what happened against Pitches Be Crazy but we understand shit happens in the heat of battle. I’m looking for Bryan “Brain” Jimenez to step up and show this team how to win the hearts of beehive nation.
Jimbo: The main Brain has shown he knows how to win, I will give you that, but this is no cupcake division they are in. This just seems like a Keith Van Horn situation, they’re a roll player in a star’s world.
Dave: Alex and Vince are the Stephi Graf and Andre Agassi of Beehive this season. They are a sports power couple who will undoubtedly pop out some legendary Beehive Sport and Social Club Simba. Before we can experience that joy they’ll need to nurture this team to a few more wins to position themselves well for a playoff run
Jimbo: I could not disagree more. They’ve been sloppier than a late night orgy at David Caresh’s house. Though I do think Vince’s veteran leadership gives them a chance to turn it around like a butterface. I’m taking a wait and see approach here.
15. Pitches Be Crazy
Dave: On some level don’t you think Sara Charboneau might make the best mom, ever? She’s shepherded this flock of lost sheep into a team that is worth consideration of an outside chance at a title shot. She’s got the subdued sass of Peggy Bundy from Married with Children and the practical wisdom of Jill Taylor from Home Improvement. We love you, Sara!
Jimbo: Great Dave, now they know I’m the reason they’re so far down in the rankings. I really don’t see the same team that has been tearing up our league for the last 3 years. All the parts are still there, but it just seems like they need a kick in the ass. I don’t believe in you this year. Prove me wrong!
16. Ermagerd Kerball!
Jimbo: I saw this team in week 1 and was shocked at the incompetence rising to the level of the Obamacare website launch. That said, once they actually got rolling, they seem to be getting it together and a very likeable team on and off the field. Detractors like me have nothing left to do but bitch about Benghazi again.
Dave: I like where their heads were at with this team name choice. But, like their play on the field it just hasn’t panned out like they thought it would. Perhaps a conventional “Pitches [some reference to a rap lyric about bitches]” would have been a better albeit more boring team name. I like ya but I’m not sure it’s gunna work.
17. Pitches and Throws
Jimbo: It’s hard for me to ever put this team too low, what with Kyndra having the peppy spirit of a cheerleader from Debbie Does Dallas. That can do attitude always comes through, no matter how long of odds, or hard that task ahead.
Dave: My former roommate, Mark Gaunt, is on this team and I’ve gotta give him a shout out. We’ve turned him from a card carrying WAKA’er into Beehive’s newest most eligible bachelor. If you’re looking for a Greg Oden sized ride home from Batters Up, look no further than Mark “Marky Mark” Gaunt.
18. Rubber Balls and Liquor
Jimbo: With the style and grace, Rubber Balls has handled the early season losses with the poise of JonBenet Ramsey and finally got that first win. Stay classy Rubber Balls, You’ve got it all to play for coming up, and a rise to the middle is all but assured.
Dave: I like this team name a lot. It’s original, drinking oriented and has just enough of a connection to the sport of kickball. Kudos, folks. Plus coming off a win I think this team is poised to do some damage in the second half of the season. Hell, anytime you have Brian “The Shirtless Charm of A Young David Hasselhof” Calitri at the helm it’s at least gunna be fun.
Dave: Did I say Mark was the most eligible bachelor?? I take that back. It’s definitely, Caleb Light. This dood is straight #killinit. Anyone with a shark tank appearance, Mark Cuban on speed dial, a ballin product that REI can’t keep in stock should be the next person you’re looking to have “put a ring on it.”
Jimbo: That’s all well and good, but if you’re looking for a man, David Erickson is the one to watch out for. After all he showed great leadership skills in saving what was an almost lost season of dodgeball into a fun a prosperous year for the team. That, is self confidence right there, might as well be Spanish Fly.
20. Trippin’ Balls
Dave: These cats are tripping a bit too hard this season. Maybe should’ve just put one strip on your tongue and not 7. As long as you’re going down though keep adding different substances to the high so it keeps it interesting. Maybe make up your own team theme weeks the rest of the way, or bring an ice luge, or email the other team telling them next weeks’ games are cancelled.
Jimbo: I agree, we are witnessing what happens right now when you take the brown acid. It’s a mess over there right now, I feel like even Jerry Garcia couldn’t save this one. Just try and enjoy the ride.
21. Run with Scissors
Dave: 4 Score and 7 years ago Beehive was still 84 years from being created. But even in 1931 the Grandparents of Running with Scissors knew their offspring would be more interested in having fun that the score of any given game. I for one think that’s the real definition of #WINNING.
Jimbo: This is a classic Lauren Spatafore team. Fun in the sun is their main goal and they do it better than anyone else. And I’d expect nothing less for a paisana. With any luck, they might just win a game too.
Dave: This team is like the Jazz’s current roster. In sabermetric land you’d think they’d be in the top half of the league. In real world land they’re not. That said I admire their live to fight another day mentality. Like the Jazz, they may be down, but they aren’t out. Especially if Dennis Lindsey can conjure up some Disney Mickey Mouse Club magic and pull a Jabari Parker out of his hat this June.
Jimbo: Well Dave, I think this ranking is a bit too harsh. Sure, they haven’t won yet, but they’ve also played by far the toughest schedule in the league. I’m not giving up on this team! They are the Bad News Bears of Beehive, and Jared Conger just might be the Billy Bob Thornton of this league.
23. 187 On An Under Cover Cop
Jimbo: 187’s offense is crying out for some Cialis. They’ve been less potent than a Chernobyl survivor and desperately need to rethink their strategy. I had high expectations for this team and it’s been more disappointing than the Soprano’s finale. SOMETHING has to happen!
Dave: This is Hunter Virden’s first foray into Beehive captainship, and it’s showing. He’s just about the most fun guy in Beehive (and a damn good real estate agent to boot) but he can’t translate that happy go lucky attitude into runs. Well, I say, fuck it guys. Keep on keepin’ on.
24. Pitch Slap
Jimbo: I’ve gotta give Pitch slap a pep talk here. Don’t let the haters get to you, you are so money right now. That first win is always the hardest, so don’t forget, this is a game fought one inch at a time. Excuses are the bricks that build the house of failure, so look deep into your souls and come out swinging. You’ve got a puncher’s chance! [generic sports cliché 8 not found]. Nobody believes in you, so prove them wrong.
Dave: Jim, sorry to say it, but the haters have moved onto more lively prey. Pitch slap has been laying down like a Khardashian anytime something black over 6’ tall comes along. No matter, I know this team’s having fun, which is all real winners care about anyway.